Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
don't judge my taste in strippers
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
