Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
