wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
People in love make me want to vomit
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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