i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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