saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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