We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
