My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
