you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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