Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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