chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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