I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize