Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
