I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
