he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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