I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
