I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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