my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
