You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
