boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
