I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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