dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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