she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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