I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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