I smell stomach acid.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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