just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm passing your future prison.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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