they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
