I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize