I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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