you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
