he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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