I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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