I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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