So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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