A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
