a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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