My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
