And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
