Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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