i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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