Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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