Cold hands, warm shart.
My hand turned me down
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
