After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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