Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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