is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
