i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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