I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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