I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize