an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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