apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
