woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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