She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she peed on how many people?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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