Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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