She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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