her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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