A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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