If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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