today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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