I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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