Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
