the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
