Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
